Fighting Fairly.
Happy couples (triads, polycules, etc.) fight. It is in human nature to disagree, and there will be times when you feel disconnected from your partner(s). There’s nothing wrong with a having an argument, but there are wrong ways to go about it. Approaching conflict with a goal of “winning the argument” or with disregulated, out-of-control emotions will not help you have a constructive discussion. For those who are interested in cultivating healthy conflict resolution in their relationships, consider the following:
1. Get regulated first. Working through conflict is hard enough. When your nervous systems are highly activated (fight, flight, freeze, fawn, flop), it can become impossible to hear your partner(s) or fully express yourself. Take a minute to find your mindful breath, get a glass of cold water, and don’t begin the conversation until all partners are in a relatively calm space.
2. Pace yourselves. Each partner may have different needs when discussing something difficult. Oftentimes, partners take either the role of “pursuer” or “withdrawer.” A pursuer tends to want to continue the argument/conversation at all costs—wanting to get everything out at the same time, not wanting to go to bed angry, dreading the possibility of “drawing this out.” A withdrawer tends to want to take breaks or slow the pace of the conversation—wanting space and time to process their thoughts/feelings, and trying to avoid escalating discomfort or high emotionality.
Each partner should have their needs respected, and ground rules help facilitate fairness around how conflicts are managed. Withdrawers may need additional time to think through things, and they may need to do this alone. However, breaks should not be excessive, and there should always be a mutually agreed upon “return” time so that pursuers know that the conversation isn’t going to be abandoned. Withdrawers should avoid stonewalling – hanging up without warning, “be[coming] totally unresponsive, making evasive maneuvers such as tuning out, turning away, acting busy, or engaging in obsessive behaviors” (Gottman, 2025). Pursuers should grant withdrawing partners time when it has been requested, as opposed to continuing to speak, following the withdrawing partner around, or calling multiple times before the agreed upon time to reconvene. Again, each partner should agree upon a time and location to return to the conversation—a time that is reasonable and specific, ex: “can we take a few hours to cool off and then talk about this at home after we’ve made it through your mother’s birthday party?” Withdrawers should state the need for time/space without being demanding, and timeframes for returning should not be vague, excessive, or contain intentional jabs, ex: “later,” “next week sometime,” “when you calm down.” When the time to restart the conversation has come, all partners should honor the original agreement.
3. Don’t interrupt. Oftentimes, when one partner is speaking, they’ll say something that the other partner disagrees with or wants to respond to immediately. When this happens, it is tempting for this other partner to jump in with a counterpoint or explanation. However, by interrupting, you haven’t given the first partner a chance to finish their thought (which could actually change how you’d respond), and you’ve frustrated your partner by cutting them off (suggesting that what they’re saying matters less than what you want to say). This can create a pattern of feeling unheard or disrespected, and may lead to responses like shouting to be heard or quickly tiring of the conversation.
4. Use language as a tool, not a weapon. Language matters. Name-calling, foul language, criticism of your partner vs. their behavior (“you’re a liar” vs. “you lied”) do not help you make your point and can damage the sense of safety needed for your partner(s) to engage with you. It is natural to become frustrated or angry during times of disconnect, but consider how you want to be spoken to and give the same consideration to your partner(s). Criticism, disrespect, and contempt are fast highways to the end of a relationship. Instead, make sure that your words communicate your understanding, your feelings, and your continued love and respect for your parter, despite the current disagreement.
5. Speak for yourself only. There may be times when you feel like you know exactly what your partner is thinking or feeling. Still, it’s never your place to tell someone else how they think or what they feel. Most of the time, you aren’t completely correct— there is a lot more nuance to someone’s inner world than you may realize— and, even if you are correct, you will most likely be met with irritation and defensiveness: no one wants to be told what they’re thinking. If you want to communicate to your partner that you are reacting to how you believe they are thinking/feeling, you can say something like, “When you… I feel like you’re saying…” Make sure to clarify that you are not speaking for them, but that you are describing what your system feels is happening. Ask your partner to respond by clarifying what it is they are actually saying/thinking/feeling.
6. Avoid “always” and “never” statements. This is an easy trap to fall into, especially if you are hoping to discuss a possible pattern of behavior. However, it is extremely rare that someone “always” or “never” does something. By using this kind of inflammatory language, it is almost guaranteed that your partner will become defensive. Then, instead of being able to discuss whatever pattern you were trying to demonstrate, your partner is focused on rejecting your “always” or “never” statement. Try using a statement like “I’ve noticed when… you sometimes/often/tend to…” This is a more balanced assertion. It may still be met with resistance if your partner disagrees, but taking out the absolutes will lessen the chance of escalation.
7. Communicate clearly. This is not the time for interpretation or guesswork. Nor is it the time for passive aggression. (Is there ever a time for passive aggression?) Periods of disconnect already put partners at an increased risk for misunderstanding each other. The high emotionality that is characteristic of arguments and difficult conversations can naturally impact focus. Make sure to choose your language carefully. Avoid sarcasm— it usually signals that you feel the other person is less intelligent than you, which is insulting— and say only what you mean. You and your partner have a better chance at having a constructive conversation when each of you fully understands what the other is trying to say.
8. Apologize. No one is perfect. Even with the best of intentions and every attempt to stay regulated, you will mess up. You will say something you regret, or make an accusation that was unnecessary, or even bring something (or someone) into the conversation that you probably shouldn’t have. You may also realize during the argument that there are past statements or actions for which you need to take responsibility. Offering an apology during an argument isn’t “losing ground” or letting your partner off the hook for their part in the conflict. An apology signals that you are open to admitting imperfection, that you are willing to be vulnerable in order to better your relationship. By apologizing, you also give your partner permission to become vulnerable and take responsibility for their words and behaviors.
#couplestherapist #relationshipcounseling #fightingfair
- by Nakita Noël Mitchell, LCSW, OSW-C
